I might have CAAAAAAANCER!!!!!!

You guys, I want to say I feel so, so, SO at peace about this, but I MIGHT HAVE CANCER AND YOU SHOULD PROBABLY FREAK OUT. I had this insanely scary surgery and had to stay in the hospital and everything. Somehow that didn't put any damper on my or my family's lifestyle, though.

You all know how I'm almost a doctor, right? Well in my professional almost-doctor opinion I probably do have cancer (but I'm soooo at peace about it) and I will probably require blood transfusions in the future.

Here's where you can help! What's that? You didn't ask if you could help? I don't care, it's all about me!!!

So let's do an impromptu BurgerQueenBloodDrive! Yes! Just send me your blood through the mail (contact me for further details), or swing by our home way out in the country and since I'm practically a doctor I can take and store your donated blood for you!

Don't worry about blood types, infectious diseases, or IV drug users. We can work all that out later. Just worry about helping ME. Remember I might probably have cancer.

Gisele Bundchen, Breastfeeding, and Other Keywords

I have been thinking lately (Yes, thinking is entirely possible for me, even though in my case it's not often obvious).

While I was in the hospital recently, I heard news of the mini uproar that a breastfeeding comment made by supermodel Gisele Bundchen generated. My own very first thought when I heard that Gisele said in an interview, “There should be a worldwide law…that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months” was that I am way more famous than Gisele and they should really interview ME about MY thoughts on breastfeeding. So I'm posting them here instead!

What has really gotten my (Christmas) undies in a bunch has been the mini uproar I alluded to. I mean, for the love of Pete, people. The woman was just trying to make a point! I doubt she really meant that breastfeeding should be a law. And, if she did, well…I’ll get to that in a moment. Yet critics have been having a field day with Gisele’s statement.

“It’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard,” actress Bethanny Frankel retorted regarding Gisele’s remarks, felt by some to be highly insensitive.

But you know what? The more I thought and thought about it, the more I realized how utterly not “absurd” Gisele’s statement actually was. At least not when compared to all the other laws our own country has as it regards the care and health and well being of children. The fact that folks are so upset about the notion that breastfeeding should be a law screams irony in the loudest way.

Bethanny, after calling Gisele’s opinion “absurd,” went on to say that “breastfeeding is one of the most rewarding experiences, but it isn’t for everyone.”

I just wonder if the idea, whether Gisele literally meant it or not, of a law supporting breastfeeding is really as far-fetched and ridiculous an idea as some people are making it. Or, at the very least, if it’s really that different than other laws or beliefs largely agreed on by everyone.

If it is so “absurd” to entertain the idea of a law supporting breastfeeding, then why oh why do we have throngs of people, and a President who probably wasn't even born in the US, in support of mandatory vaccination of children via the public school system? Why are their laws saying that we have to strap out children into car seats? Why can't we beat our children or murder them? All of those things are exactly equivalent to each other and to breastfeeding, obviously. That's right, I'm equating not feeding your child breastmilk with intentionally endangering their lives by not buckling them into a car seat. Have I gone completely insane? BASICALLY.

Ahem. Anyway. Do you see where I’m going here? I cannot, just cannot, wrap my mind around the notion that the angry mob attacking Gisele’s words (We're on a first-name basis because I'm super famous!) has been clinging to: that the government has no business telling us how to best care for our children when these same people daily support the government in fact stepping in and telling us, in other ways, how to best care for our children.

Even Bethanny’s quote that “breastfeeding is one of the most rewarding experiences, but it isn’t for everyone” kind of rubbed me the wrong way. It was as if she was saying that the benefits of breastfeeding are solely for the mother. What if taking the time to buckle our child into a carseat “wasn’t for us”? Or if making sure our children had enough vitamins in their diet just wasn’t a concern of ours? I venture to say that it shouldn’t matter. Breastmilk is best for our children. Carseats are the safest way to travel. Why the severe digging in of heels when the notion of a breastfeeding law is brought up, then?

I don’t know why. I just wish that the same intensity with which so many people bristled (and rightly so) at the idea of a breastfeeding law would be also afforded to other areas of mothering. We should be able to do whatever we want, whenever we want, without the government intervening with its pesky laws.

At least, I THINK that's my point. It's a little hard to figure out what I'm actually thinking or saying when I ramble on and on and repeat myself numerous times and then throw in some italics and big words to make myself sound smarter than you are. And I am pretty sure Gisele would agree with me too.

What think you?!

Totally True! Tuesday

It's totally true - I'm posting this a day early because I have SO much time on my hands, even with my preemie newborn and my 4 other SC* and my darling Burger King and my massive mansion and my straw bale gardens and my organic cooking and the breastfeeding and the cloth diapering! I have ample amounts of time, yep! TOTALLY TRUE!

It's totally true that I have blogged and tweeted nearly constantly since my preemie Cash was born. I did not take even the slightest break from my "job" even though everybody would have understood and been supportive, because I am addicted to attention and need constant reassurance from my sheeple. It's TOTALLY TRUE!

Ok, back to bonding with my preemie writing more stock blogs and tweeting! Yep! Totally true.

*Small Children

We've Been Waiting for You!!!

CASH…was born today, August 2, 2010, at 1:04 pm!

He weighs 6 pounds, 14 ounces and is 21 inches long. Cash Money (Cash MO-ney) has light brown hair, got a 9 and a 9 on his APGAR tests and has four siblings who adore him and can’t wait to meet him. Oh, and a mama who is incredibly taken with her new son and a daddy who is already making guesses about his bright future. A new jetski? A bigger, better house? Where will little Cash Money take us?!

We are absolutely over the moon about our fifth child. As soon as my eyes spotted Cash, I was smitten. I discovered instantaneously that I love our Cash with a mad intensity that is almost frightening. We’ve been waiting for him, but we wait no longer.

Welcome to the world, sweet Cash. We’ve been waiting for you!!

out of the mouths of moms

The things that we mothers (and aunts, teachers, grandmothers) say to children each day are some of life’s best comedy. But it’s no joke: Such is life as a mom! To celebrate that truth, and to give us an opportunity to commiserate and laugh together, I came up with Out Of The Mouths Of Moms.

Here’s what I’ve caught myself saying lately:

"Your penis urinated in your pants (and the urine got all over your scrotum and anus) for the 3rd time today? Oh dear. Yes, honey, I am going to put that on my blog. Because it makes me money. I know it's inappropriate. I know it might embarrass you someday. Nope, sorry Sweetie, it goes on the blog. Because it makes me money. I already told you that. No honey, money isn't more important than you per se, Mommy just really likes money. I don't care if you don't understand. Again Sweetheart, it doesn't matter to me that people might read this when you're older and torture you over it. Ok, thank you. It would have gone on the blog whether you liked it or not, but I'm glad you 'gave permishish." Why don’t we go clean off your penis and scrotum? Alright then. Now let’s go wash our hands. I know you didn’t, but just in case."


"Because the Bible says so. It doesn't matter if you like Jewish people, they go to hell. Yes, so do Buddhists. Yes, even some people who call themselves Christians. Honey, it doesn't matter if you think God is a just and fair God and wouldn't send people to an eternity of suffering just because they didn't believe some kooky story in an old book. It's the TRUTH whether we like it or not."


"Is that true? Did you stab your brother in the eye with a knife? Well that's quite naughty, please apologize to your brother for hurting him. Yes, AND clean up the blood. And don't ever do that again. Thank you honey."


If you’d like to play along, just leave your Out Of The Mouths Of Moms quotes in the comments of this post, or write your own post on your own blog and enter the post’s URL here so we can all enjoy it! If you don’t mind, I’d love to share some of your quotes that you leave in comments and on your blogs in my next Out Of The Mouths Of Moms post.

Rules Were Made to be Broken. As Long as They Don't Apply to ME.

I have a love/hate relationship with rules.

On one hand, I love rules. I need them. Rules like the ones that say I go to heaven but all the Jews who died in the Holocaust without accepting Jesus go straight to hell? GOOD RULE. It's completely unwavering, makes TOTAL sense, and we cannot question it or interpret it. Me? Heaven! You? Hell! That's why I'm a born again Christian.

On the other hand, I hate rules. Rules that say I have to pay for things I purchase? BAD RULE. That rule makes no sense at all, am I right? Luckily, there is a way around it and I will let you know what it is right now.

The Burger QUEEN philosophy on rules boils down to this: I always follow them!!! The catch? I only follow the ones that apply to me.

You know that rule about paying your bills on time? Doesn't apply to Burger Queen!

The one about following directions posted on official signs (keep off the grass, etc)? That one doesn't apply to me if it's a really great spot for a picture. Otherwise I totally follow it.

The ones put in place by our government to ensure our safety - like no pictures in the customs line? Luckily that one doesn't apply to me either because we don't believe in big government (tea party, yeah!). Likewise, many of the laws in this country don't apply to the Burger King, so he doesn't have to follow them. Things like speed limits, fishing licenses, window tinting, not threatening physical violence against your wife...those rules make no sense!!!

The rules about waiting your turn for your plane to take off? Doesn't apply to me or my moderately ill child - and I'm glad air traffic controllers in this country recognize that!

Speaking of air traffic controllers: the rules on airplanes? Those are just the worst and make the least sense. I mean really, why do you have to be 15 to sit in an emergency exit row??? The BK children need more leg room than the average child and I'm sure the stewardess will recognize that next time we fly.

Sometimes it's tough figuring out which rules apply to me and which rules don't. My simple test is "do I like this rule?" If the answer is yes, I must follow it, no exceptions!

Sigh.

BK Tuna Dinner

Usually, when I cook or bake (which isn’t often), I don’t use a recipe. Or, at least not one created by someone else. Sometimes my creations turn out smashingly. Other times, not as much. I think the meal item I am most proud of concocting is my BK Tuna Helper. It is one that I like to whip up for the BKFamily when we're not eating at, well, BK. Or Chipotle. So here is what you'll need for this completely healthy, totally organic, Burger QUEEN invented recipe:

BK Tuna Helper

You'll Need:

One box Tuna Helper

Two cans tuna

1 cup milk

water

2 T butter

To Make:

Mix everything together in a pan and bring to boil. Cover, and let simmer about 10-12 minutes, then remove from heat and allow sauce to thicken.

Enjoy as dinner, or any meal really. I put the leftovers in the fridge and use them later as a lunch, or even a snack! I know you would never have thought of that on your own! You can even put them in your microwave to warm them up.

Enjoy! And please do come back and tell me what you thought.